building anger and frustration at roadblocks.

My wife has been involved with me on her family search.

Today, at 23andme.com, we had another decline (5th overall), and there have been more than a half dozen who have declined to share (at least at this time)  -- and some of those won't even give a name.

Below is what I was going to post on the forum, but decided that it was probably too harsh for the community.
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Off topic?  I dunno.  (please note:  The one who is writing this one is Charles, admin for Patricia, not actually her, but her husband.)

I wish to express my appreciation to all who are helping in the search to find her parents by sharing DNA, surnames, and trees.  Thanks also for the replies, even from the adoptees -- I am hoping to find where they fit, as well.

I am a bit disappointed in those who have not shared, but that is your right.  But if not even so much as your own name?  Really?  We can't even begin to guess at that!

I am, however, a bit disgusted with some.  5 have declined introduction entirely.  But why are you throwing up such a roadblock in letting her find her family?  Just what is your reason?  I am understandably curious as to why you have done this.

If you're distant--  5 or 6th cousin -- at least that's an acceptable situation -- the connection is probably too far back to make finding anything likely.  But family is family; you may choose to disavow anyone you wish.    But to refuse to give even so little as a name -- well -- in my opinion, that's despicable.

You may continue to try to hinder her search.  But I will not be denied..

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Angry?  Yes.  I toned it down, but decided it was better not posted there, but better posted HERE.
To any of you who actually declined the introduction, I pray you never need help from me.  I ain't gonna give it.

To those who have not yet shared... I hope you do come around.  Especially if just a name.

For those who have helped, or are helping..  you actually behave like true family.  Thanks so much.

Off my soap box...  thanks for listening!

Searches and digs

When I married my wife, more than 24 years ago, I knew that there would be times I could give her the world, other times that I couldn't.  Unfortunately, for most of those years, it's been "thin" years.  We just don't have what we need.  It's a troubling fact.  (Sorry, my dear wife...  I will keep trying!)

I knew, after a while, that there would be something I could give her -- if I spent enough time and effort on it, was willing to do all the work and had some help.  It was a gift I could never afford on my own -- it's actually priceless.  I would search for her roots and branches...Her parents and her child.  I knew it might be hopeless.

On and off, over 20 years, I searched.  21.  22. 23.  During that time frame, DNA testing became available.  The search went on.  I started frequenting more groups, looking at more resources.  Someone mentioned a website called COUSINCONNECT.COM.  It seemed to hold some promise, but l found nothing on Trisha's parents.  So, what the hell...search for her daughter's stuff.  Didn't have much to go on, but would search.  I had more than 1000 names to go through.  100.  200. 300.  Nothing.  It's frustrating, but I keep going.  400.  400. 600.  700.  I pledged to go through ALL the data there...  I couldn't have the wrong birthday.  I'm hoping that everything is correct.  I plow on.
800.  900.  It's hopeless.  900, Had the date once, but male and not female.  No help.  But I keep going   950.  960.  970.  There are 1500+ data snippets to look at.  I'm tired.  I keep going.  973.  I find a date for a female.  Data -- Hospital matches.  date, yes.  Something seems off.  I make a mental note, but stop.

Something,however,draws me back to that page a few days later.  I read the info again.  I had misread what was there.  I start checking again.  No guarantees of anything, too many people with that surname.  Even narrowed down to a city, no guarantees and too many names.
I turn to adoption forums for help.

I continued looking on my own for a while; I was sure the answer was there.  I don't know how.  A puzzle with no pictures on the box.

I got name to try.  I attempted a call; no luck.  I decided "Snail Mail." The obvious risks that go with it.  A "Chancey" address.  I mailed the letter; a month passed.  I tried to remain hopeful,

One day, there was a call.  I didn't recognize the number, but answered anyway.  It was the person to whom I had written..  We started verifying, as best we could, if this could be the one.  City, state:  Check.  Data:  check.  Hospital, check.  eye color (this wasn't a necessity, but it matched)  :  check.
Health condition -- check.  Surprising, it's not really inherited, but it could be.  That's a check.
Time of day was left unverified, at the time.  I checked it later.  Only an 8.% chance of being correct, which could kill the possibility.  Time of day -- falls in the small range. There is some excitement, but it's too early to celebrate.  I'm convinced, but...  more proof would be welcome.

My wife did DNA...we hoped to find close cousins, mother or father by DNA.  Nothing close.  Still over 950 3rd or more distant cousins.  Our contact:  DNA would be done later, but as soon as possible.

Finally, that test was ordered  (it can be a strain on many, price-wise).  It was taken, shipped to the lab.  Results were pending.  I hoped for the haplogroup to match--it's supposed to match mother to child.  The first results came in and the haplogroup DID NOT MATCH.  I am shot down.  But the final results are not yet in.  But what's the point?  Haplogroup doesn't match.

Check anyway:  Maybe this is still a cousin.  But that first chromosome told me a different story.  Then the 2nd.  and the 3rd...and the 4th...I checked EVERY ONE... then called my wife in.

Nope, this is no cousin.  This is HER DAUGHTER!

Today, I am truly blessed.  I was not only able to give my wife something that had been missing from her life for nearly 40 years, but I gained a step-daughter.

I have too many people to thank to be able to mention them all.  Search angels, Registries.  Websites.  The folks at the lab.

One search is over --  but the adventure is just beginning.

Thought for the day -- wise advice from one who knows.

It was THAT NIGHT... I had bowled, and I had my best series ever, not to mention my first and only 200+ all game, 3 game series.  It was getting late; I had yet to go home from the lanes.  I was going to stop in to see you...But I was tired and needed to be up for work next morning.  I'll stop in after work tomorrow -- so I decided.  But I wasn't too far away... although it was off my route.

I went home.  It was about 9:10 PM.  The phone rang.

I missed you.  By a matter of minutes, I missed you.  If I had stopped, I would still have missed you...but by only a few minutes.

It seems like yesterday.  But it already has been 16 years.  The call wasn't from you...but it was to let me know that I had missed you.  And now, 16 years after... I wonder if stopping would have made any difference in my life.

Mom, 16 years has passed.  You've been joined by many of the family and friends... You've been healed of your bad health.  You've been watching me, I am sure... You're probably saddened by what you see.  Right now, I wish I could draw on your strength and wisdom.  But it is not to be.

16 years without you.  How many ahead?  I cannot say.  What I can say is, "I miss you, and I love you always."

Friends, take it to heart....Never fail to tell your loved ones that you do love them.  Because that one you miss -- will be the one you forever regret.